I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
