I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
