not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
