Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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