Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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