I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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