I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
