Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm bleeding and have questions
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
