whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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