8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
