So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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