Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
