you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
