Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
