someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
