Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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