please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
