I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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