my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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