Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
