you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
