i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
