Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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