I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize
