I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
