Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
