wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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