Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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