The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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