How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
