nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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