I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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