We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
