"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
