I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I am midnight drunk by noon
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She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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