I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
