he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
