Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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