1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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