he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
