I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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