hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize