I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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