So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
