you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
