I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
