I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
