i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
