there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
