i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
