watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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