I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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