i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
