u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
