I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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