I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
