everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
