My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
