her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
